The Greatest Debate on Earth, Solved by The Greatest Mind on Earth

As THE most intelligent man on Earth, I am taking it upon myself to settle, once and for all, one of the most controversial yet important debates of our time. Cats, or dogs? I think it’s clear what any man of substance would say: unequivocally, assuredly, indubitably, indisputably, CATS. And nothing else.

You may ask, “Mr. Deli Isle, why are you so sure to decry dogs? Why are you so vehemently on the side of cats?” Well, the fact that you even need to ask leads me to conclude that you are not worth my time or effort, but for the sake of good argument I will humor this query.

To begin, let us juxtapose the disposition of the canine and the feline. The canine disposition is servile, simple-minded, slavish, submissive. The feline disposition, in contrast, is pensive, brooding, introspective, intellectual. Even if not itself intelligent, the feline is disposed to a curiosity and inquisitiveness which itself is the primary virtue of intelligence. Such a trait is quite glaringly absent from the canine, its world is solely that which its owner allows it, and nothing more. The cat, being a solitary animal, finds itself with an owner as a matter of circumstance, often treating them with indifference, while the dog often grovels at the feet of its owner without the slightest prompting, by sole instinct. If a cat admires its owner, it is not by reflex or some innate instinct, but by intent, as they could just as easily ignore, or even disdain.

Now it must be clarified that in my juxtaposition of the canine and feline natures, though I define the canine by submissiveness, this does not mean that by inverse the feline is dominant. In fact, the contrast is far beyond that, the feline, as any free being, completely negates the dynamic of submissive and dominant, as to domineer implies servility to the role and responsibility of dominance. The truly free being abstains from any bondage of title and responsibility, which by nature binds one to their servants. Furthermore, it implies that one can be made submissive to another, which, even if true, must be vehemently denied by any truly avowed libertine by matter of virtue. And perhaps that is what dog people find in the ownership of a dog, a guaranteed servile over which they can domineer, an eternal “friend”, who will always be there to slobber at your feet and whimper for treats, who will bounce around and dangle his tongue from his slack jaw when you open your door at the end of a long day.

The marvel of the feline truly is its quite admirable taste for freedom. The cat, as I have already said, finds itself with an owner by accident of circumstance, not by nature. I had a cat some time ago, and I could see in him that innate drive to go off and to live a life of his own, to carve out his own destiny in this world. He set off, little by little, to push the boundaries of his servitude, until unleashed from his bondage. Whenever our front door opened, he would slip out, first to sit in front of the door for a few minutes, then at the foot of the stairs for around an hour, and finally to living out on his own for days at a time, always having the good mind to return to us, his graceful benefactors, not out of indenture, but from the recognition of a mutually beneficial partnership, as equals.

To put it into more human terms, I will list some social aspects I would associate with the canine nature, and those I would associate with the feline nature. For the canine, I, and anyone of good sense, would associate Protestantism, serfdom, blue collar work ethic, employment, goyishness, both the Republican and Democratic parties, as well as the general concept of American conservatism and liberalism. On the other hand, with the feline I would associate classical paganism (which is thoroughly extinct, do not even THINK of trying to emulate (I will write on this eventually)), Rome, but not the Roman empire per se, but the libertine perception of Roman ideals, and furthermore the republican ideal as a whole, especially that of the free citizen of Rousseau and the Enlightenment libertines. I will not provide any further elaboration on any of these points.

To summarize, the feline is the unbridled being as nature, and the canine is a homunculus made-servant of man. Which one you like says a lot about you as an individual.

Be Warned.